This year on Mother’s Day, I was able to spend time with all of my kids. We went down to visit our first baby girl, Phoebe at the infant cemetery in Holy Sepulcher cemetery. When we drove into It was a very full, more than I’ve ever seen. Many many people were visiting their moms just like We were visiting our daughter. There were only a few others in the infant cemetery and I can totally understand that. Everyones story is different and I myself only can go once (maybe twice) a year. It’s an emotional toll and trauma from such an event is a lot to heal from. That being said, I’m still thankful to be her mama as well as our beautiful 3 other kiddos. Recently, I started to have a grieving moment thinking “she will never be a mom.” and it made me sad thinking shr would not see her face or personality in a different person looking back at her. I love being a mom, and I know its a ton of work and not everyone feels the same as I do. I felt that all too familiar pain of grief stinging at my heart on how we still miss Phoebe every day and we love Hope more than words can say, she in no way was a replacement for her lost sister. Her birth was a miracle and healing in so many ways, but when you loose a child, they are still gone and you hold on to the memories you had for their brief time they were with you.
I felt that very familiar grief, but I quickly reminded myself that Phoebe is with The Lord. She’s dancing at the feet of Jesus right now. She is whole, she is complete. She is free from the sting of sin and death, for striving for acceptance, from insecurities and from fear. the Bible says this inPsalm 16:11 You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore.
Her completeness comes from her Heavenly Father, not from ‘becoming’ anything here on earth. My completeness comes from the same place and so does yours. Being a mom is the greatest honor and joy in my life and I’m so thankful God granted me 3 kids who are a constant testament to Gods love. But I know where my true joy and wholeness comes from and that’s The Lord. I’ll always miss our baby girl and I’d be lying if I didn’t want my two boys and two girls here with us. There are lots of days that go by where I have a hard time looking at photos of little sisters close in age on social media or ‘just want our baby HERE with US.” But God’s plans are bigger than my own ‘wants’. Also if I stay in that place of pain, bitterness will take root and I won’t see the world clearly. If I live only in pain, I choose to no longer see God’s goodness in my life, and I refuse to live that way. I have to remind myself anytime I look up at the stars (Phoebe’s name means ‘bright star’) that God has never stopped being in control, even when things may feel chaotic. The Lord’s ways are higher than mine and I’m ok with that. I KNOW one day we will see her again. He gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. #mothersday