To Phoebe, today you would have been 3

Three years.  Three years since you were here oh so briefly and gone even quicker. Three years when the stars fell from the sky and nothing made sense anymore.  I hated myself, my body for failing at doing what it was built for.

I had survivors guilt, trauma and so much emotional pain I had no idea how I would get out of.

Two years since there was a break in the clouds and a rainbow shone through. Full of hope, full of joy. 

Redemption came with a new baby girl, but grieving and birthing a child simultaneously splits you. 

Hope and hurting. 

Grief and growing. 

They both can exist in the same place. 

I immediately wrote about you, mostly to get it off of my chest and little did I know what an impact your short life would have.

Strength is the result on having nothing left to stand on in your own devices. It’s the result of giving all our weaknesses to God. He is the one who holds us up when everything around us wants to cause us to not see which way is up.

As time goes by, the Lord continues to hold me up, but now I see that being held up was not just for me, but for my family. So much had changed since you were here.

There is not a day that goes by where I don’t wish to hold all four of my children. But I know that you, Phoebe are being held by Jesus.

I’ll always think of you when I see stars in the sky, summer sun flowers and small things like the rustling of trees and the sound of rushing rivers. You’ll always be our ‘bright star’ Phoebe Estelle.


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