But it’s not fair! Dealing with disappointment

How many times have you heard a 5 year old yell this at the top of their lungs stamp a foot and become angry that things are not going the way they demanded?

I mean… not my kids because they don’t talk but believe me I get the non verbal version of this argument a lot from my middle child.

I get this argument in my head from myself more often than I want to admit.

But it looks different. It’s anger and I hate it. I hate that I’m internally angry when friends complain that their kid talked back to them. I feel a gut check when I see photos of sisters together. Even though we were blessed with a daughter after Phoebe, I’m still missing my girl and WANT all 4 of my kids with me.

In the darkest of moments I wish I’d find out a friends child was diagnosed with special needs…then maybe…someone else would understand what me and so many other Special Needs moms go through.

I cry from frustration when my sons are crying because they are frustrated from not being understood and I feel like I’m failing as a special needs mom. If I raise my voice out of frustration it’s useless, that type of social queue does not register with my boys, nor do I care to have that imprinted in their heart or memory banks.

I’m angry

And selfish

And it’s not fair

But when did we start thinking that life was supposed to be fair? At what point in life did we assume we all should be dealt the same things?

I blame little kid pizza parties. We work so hard to make sure every kid has the exact same portion of pizza to cake to snacks and lull them info a false sense that everything should be equal.

Now for basic human rights, everyone deserves equality. However, if our world shows us anything is that not everyone gets what they deserve.

Life is not fair for the mom with two special needs kids

Life is not fair for the woman who’s had multiple IVF treatments to no avail

Life is not fair for the single mom who has to raise her teenagers alone

Life is not fair for the family who is trying to make ends meet financially.

But you know what it is? Yours.

It’s the life you’ve been given,

The kids you have been entrusted with.

I don’t have a single thought of “it’s not fair” when I see my son running around with dry leaves having the best time of his life.

I also don’t think about how it’s not fair when my other son put together a number puzzle alone and unassisted.

I also don’t think about it when I see this burgeoning friendship between Hope and Luke because he makes her laugh and they get in trouble together.

No, it’s not fair. I want all my kids to be verbal and not need autism therapy for the boys or just to live “regular” lives.

BUT God is good. He IS GOOD. When I feel like I can’t give any more, suddenly an encouragement from a friend comes along in unexpected ways (true story).

Or one of the boys therapist says what amazing thing they did at school today.

Or my daughter looks up and smiles with all 4 teeth thinking you are the best thing ever.

No, life is not fair. I tell kids this all the time at church when they don’t get what they want (sorry parents) “who ever said life was supposed to be fair?”

Jesus didn’t die on the cross for fairness. He died on the cross for our sins.

When I internally shake my fist at God asking “Why me?” I feel He answers “Why not you?” Just because it’s hard? Just because you have never done this before? 

John 16:33 says this: 33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

I MUST rely on the fact that Jesus has already overcome what feels insurmountable. What if with all the dreams I had for my life being a special needs mom is the one that I was meant for all along? What if those ‘not fair’ parts of life were meant be springboard to something else? What type of life lays behind ‘it’s not fair?’ I’m willing to find out. 

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