Grief 1 year later and a new life to come

We are just a few short weeks out from meeting our little girl and I’m excited, hopeful and understandably nervous. This time around I’m doing a planned c-section and this is the end of the road for my season of pregnancy. We will be done having kids at 35 and now will raise the gifts we have been given.

We also inch closer to the first anniversary of Phoebes passing on August 26- the day before Luke’s birthday. I can’t explain the range of emotions I have about both of these special little girls. Their lives are paradoxical- I don’t think one would be here without the other. Only God knows that one. I knew in my spirit He said I would have 4 children- I think I just expected all of them would live. Am I selfish for that thought? No, I don’t think anyone ever imagines they will lose a child.

I can say that everything in my past pregnancy and Phoebes short life was responsible for the name we chose for our newest little girl as well (no we are not re-using any part of Phoebes name). About a month ago I felt it was finally time to put Phoebes memory box away. It had been sitting in my dresser with small gifts given from nurses and her hand and footprints in clay. I realized I had not been opening it daily any longer, then weekly, then a few months had gone by.

The word Shalom to most westerners means “peace” but it’s more than that. It’s peace in the midst of pain. You know why I never realized anything was wrong when I was pregnant with Phoebe? I had an unexplainable peace the entire time. Little did I know that was Gods covering over my heart to get through the most difficult part of my entire life. I had shalom in the midst of a storm.

Gods Holy Spirit is amazing like that- He gives you what you need before you realize you need it and continues to remind you what you have been given in order to walk through those storms WITH Him. He reminds you in the midst of pain you are never alone.

I stopped asking “why” Phoebe died. The one thing I said in the emergency room to Nathan in a brief moment of clarity was this: “the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of The Lord.”

We may have lost our “bright star” Phoebe but Now we have hope in things to come. This little miracle will be here in about 3 weeks.