Today marks one month since we lost our little girl. A LOT has happened physically emotionally from this loss, for me in particular. I’m just starting to dip back into public life after going on a beautiful week-long trip to one of my favorite places in Oregon. My husband did a lot of fishing and the boys and I did a lot of relaxing, taking adventure walks and discovering nature around us. We did a lot if fun things together as well, and I’ll post about that soon! I did a lot of writing and had time to reflect on a lot of things. I laughed and smiled a lot with my boys and in quiet solitary moments I just looked out our cabins back window and cried. I don’t have a ‘how to successfully mourn’ list. But I think these past 30 days have taught me a few things.
So, here is my list of lessons I’ve learned from Phoebe.
- I am still broken and in need of a Savior. The Lord gives and He takes away, blessed be the name of The Lord.
- I have not once blamed God for what happened, but I’ve blamed myself, and it’s very hard to say ‘it’s not my fault’. I know it is not, and I have to remind myself of that daily.
- I am apparently stronger than I realized, I’m honestly not sure I ever wanted to be this ‘strong’.
- I am worth taking care of and I’m ok with it. Getting my nails done does not make me selfish, it makes me sparkly. I’ve been very intentional about how I’m taking care of myself these past few weeks with how I dress and even putting a small amount of makeup on. I have every right to wear nothing but t-shirts and leggings all day and have my hair be a mess and no one would fault me. However, even though Phoebe was with us only 5 months, she started to change how I viewed myself, and that I needed to treat myself better than I was.
- My heart has been so broken, but I’m still here. I may never know the answer of why? But I know God is sovereign and there is a plan in all of this.
- I’m ok with not being ok all the time. I know it will take time to physically and emotionally heal. There are days that are better than others, some are amazing and filled with so much joy and there are others where something small can set my already fragile emotions in a tailspin.
- Accept help from others. They WANT to bless you. Really, let them help. I can’t thank everyone enough who has brought us food, babysat, sent cards and gifts. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
- Do not be ashamed to rest. Just take a nap. Just do it.
- It’s ok to have boundaries. If I’m not up to talking to people, I don’t.
- It’s ok to laugh, often. My kids are teaching me this one daily.
- Being more organized and cleaning constantly is helping me not feel stressed. My college professor ‘cluttered desk, cluttered mind’ mentality has finally kicked in and I (gasp) really enjoy keeping my house cleaned.
- Enjoying life feels much more important than just existing in it. If I just get up and live, with no hope or joy, I’m not trusting in Jesus and He is the ONLY one who can sustain me. My family fills me and my husband helps me through every step.
- Don’t be afraid to hope again. There is joy on the other side, even if I can’t see it yet. Romans 12:12 says:
12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.
So that’s what I’m going to do.