10 days later…

We recently lost our baby girl who was born prematurely. It’s still something I’m grappling through as its only been 10 days. Everyone says grief comes in waves, and it does. It’s very hard to sleep some nights because of the memories of her birth.  Waking up in the mornings are difficult knowing there is no bassinet next to us. Grief is like walking into a spider web you didn’t see… You try and try to get it off your face, but are convinced it’s still there. It’s like a mask that is always on your face, no matter how hard you try to smile you feel a little frozen in place.

Something I learned very quickly is I still gave birth to a baby and breast milk still comes in. I was told ways to immediately stop the milk from coming but I was not sure I wanted that to happen. So I didn’t. Little did I know clogged ducts were in my future and it’s VERY painful to pump.

So why am I doing this? Why go through the pain?  It is helping me heal in a lot of ways.

1. Pumping can reduce the risk of breast cancer

2. It helps your uterus heal

3. It lowers your blood sugar.

Outside of that I still have a 1-year-old who does not mind at all having milk. I’m not nursing him but he keeps staring at me like I’m a soda machine waiting for the next treat to show up.

I feel like I need to do this for me too. I can remember my daughter in a different, tangible way.

It’s only been 10 days but it feels like 6 months. Everyone is asking me how I’m feeling. How am I feeling? My only daughter died, my heart is broken. I don’t want to go back to the same grocery store anymore because I’m nervous about explaining to the check out lady why I suddenly look so different. I’m terrified to go back to the library the boys love for the very same reasons. I’m angry at my body for being sick and giving no indications of being so. I was in the hospital only 8 hours earlier with no indication anything was wrong.

I still want to have more children, but the thought of possibly losing another child leaves me numb. When we were in the hospital I just kept saying over and over ‘I can’t do this…” in between the wailing because the emotional pain of losing our daughter, everything felt like it was falling apart.

I’m that man in the bible who’s son died and he asked Jesus to increase is faith. Right now, I need The Lord to increase my faith that we can indeed have another child someday.

I need Him to increase my faith that I am enough. I’m a good mom and a good wife, friend, and daughter of The King. I did not fail Phoebe or my husband or sons.

Something that I will never forget is what my husband said: “Phoebe saved your life, and in turn, she saved mine too.”

I may always feel like something is missing because our baby is in heaven, but she’s leaving me with so many lessons that I will never forget.